


christmas kids

by kintsukimi



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - No Ultimate Talents (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Author Projecting onto Ikusaba Mukuro, Codependency, Emotional Manipulation, Familial Abuse, Gen, Misgendering, Nonbinary Ikusaba Mukuro, Nonbinary Kamakura Izuru, Song Lyrics, Swearing, They/Them Pronouns for Ikusaba Mukuro, Trauma, Triggers, Unhealthy Relationships, all tws in notes, in this au the despair siblings arent murderers theyre just real fucked up, izuru uses any pronouns, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27627917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kintsukimi/pseuds/kintsukimi
Summary: "Appearing unsightlyWith devils inside meIf you ever try to leave me,I'll find you"-"Christmas Kids" by RoarMukuro has finally escaped from Junko, but she still continues to haunt them.
Relationships: EMPHASIS ON THE &, Enoshima Junko & Ikusaba Mukuro, and for the record i dont ship junko w anyone, i dont ship junko and izuru!! izuru is just representing another irl person, ik there are some nasty ppl on here so i just wanna clarify, past Enoshima Junko/Kamukura Izuru
Kudos: 10





	christmas kids

**Author's Note:**

> whoooa whats this?? another kintsukimi fic where ren projects their trauma and gender onto one of their kins????
> 
> in all seriousness though, one of the main reasons i kin mukuro is because their relationship w junko reminds me of the one i have w a family member who has traumatized me. i use mukuro as a way to vent about how that person has made me feel. im sorry if any characters seem ooc, its just bc im projecting this situation onto them
> 
> tw: family-related trauma, alcoholism, drugs, familial codependency, a character being triggered, misgendering/unintentional transphobia, unhealthy familial relationship, unhealthy romantic relationship, emotional manipulation, abuse, gaslighting, repetition, brief ideations of violence

It’s a good thing that Mukuro isn't there anymore. They had to get out of there. It wasn't healthy for them to be living with her. It was for the best. It was what they needed to do, for their own mental health.

But shit, they just  _ can’t  _ stop feeling guilty for leaving Junko.

They were the only one who could really help her. Junko relied on them so heavily, always talking to them about her own issues and always needing them around to feel okay. No one is as important to Junko as Mukuro is.

And Mukuro enjoyed helping her, because they loved her and was so proud of how far she had come. In fact, they were actually jealous about how glamously Junko handled herself. She was always boisterous and adored by everyone around her; you would never be able to tell that that same girl was dealing with severe mental issues. And even though Mukuro knew this about her, they couldn't help but think she was the happiest person they had ever known.

But then shit happened. And she got bad again.

The thing is, Junko has been carrying a boatload of trauma (that even Mukuro hasn't fully unpacked yet) all her life. On top of that, she is seriously mentally ill, although she may deny it. She has lied to her sibling that she had only been diagnosed with some mild anxiety and that the bipolar medication her doctor was having her take wasn't actually for bipolar disorder, which they stupidly believed for quite a while. 

She tried so hard to hide the fact that she had problems, always hiding behind a pretty, smiling mask, never crying and never breaking down. Mukuro mistook this as strength.

On the inside, Junko was falling apart, and the only way she could cope was with substances. Drugs, alcohol, whatever she could use to escape the pain. Her addictive personality definitely didn't help, and neither did pairing these things with the medication she was already taking.

Mukuro had to witness her intoxicated several times, and in turn, was traumatized as well.

Too many times, they had to see her stumble into a room with her tits practically falling out of her shirt, her voice a slurred mockery of how the real Junko sounded, her glassy blue-gray eyes making her look like a doll that had replaced the real Junko.

Mukuro began to think of Junko as two different people: the real one, the one they loved and cared for, and the imposter, they wanted to brutally murder.

Whenever the imposter showed up, Mukuro was filled with so much dread and rage that they had to get away from her as soon as possible before they screamed or punched her in the face, neither of which they ever actually ended up doing. They just didn't want to somehow hurt the real Junko’s feelings, even though they knew this wasn't the real Junko. She wouldn't even remember it. She would never know the torture she put her dear sister through.

This dread and anger built up more and more over the years, but they could never talk to their sister about it (for obvious reasons), so it just sat inside of them and bubbled up like boiling water threatening to spill.

Bottling up these feelings caused them to have violent thoughts a lot more frequently. When they went to school, they imagined themself bashing their own head in on the lockers. When a random stranger referred to them as female, they felt the strongest urge to beat them to a pulp.

Not that they weren't ready constantly being referred to as female at home. They had tried to tell Junko that their name is Mukuro and that they're nonbinary, but she just seemed to forget or not understand and they've just never had the heart to bring it up again or correct Junko whenever she calls them the wrong thing.

Mukuro was never good at standing up to Junko.

And because of this, they have never able to buy a binder like they wish they could, or wear anything other than feminine clothes, because those were the clothes Junko liked and the two had always shared clothes. It would just be too hard to explain things, so they just suffered through it silently. They didn't want to upset their beloved sister.

For quite a while, Junko had been dating a person named Izuru. Mukuro came to know them well, and even though they honestly kind of scared them, they began to think of Izuru as family. 

But the two had problems. More than your typical couple. Mukuro denied it at first, always sure that things would work out in the end, and that there was nothing they could do about it, but it was becoming harder and harder to ignore the obvious signs. Junko and Izuru weren't happy together.

First of all, Junko, like she did with Mukuro, constantly misgendered them. They had told her that they're agender, but she wouldn't stop calling them her boyfriend. And even though they  _ did  _ go by any pronouns, she only ever referred to them as he/him. Like Mukuro, Izuru wasn't strong enough to challenge her, so they just tried to deal with it.

They weren't especially affectionate like other couples. And when they did give affection, they always seemed uncomfortable and unhappy. They didn't do things for each other, or seem to benefit from each other.

Junko definitely loved them. She was always so loud about it. But her loudness was one of the things about her that annoyed Izuru.

They were embarrassed about her. She became a burden on them, at home and in public. She was always yelling about something, at them, whatever. Mukuro knows what that feels like. She embarrassed them all the time wherever they went, talking to literally everyone and having absolutely no filter.

Izuru was in bad shape while they were together, Mukuro could tell. They weren't an expressive person, but they seemed to be miserable during that time. Constantly stressed out and angry and  _ drained.  _ Mukuro understood exactly how they felt.

And the two of them disagreed a  _ lot.  _ Mukuro couldn't even count all their petty arguments on the road and screaming fights that made Mukuro cry at night. Izuru threatened to break up with her several times, and practically forced her to go to rehab.

And even after going and being “sober” for a couple years, it was clear that there was still something wrong with her. It wasn't just the substances. There was something fundamentally wrong with her, making her personality and behavior unbearable. At some point, Izuru finally snapped and decided that they couldn't take any more of her.

And Junko’s mask of perfection shattered.

The imposter started making frequent visits to the Enoshima house again. But this time, Mukuro couldn't even tell what it was that caused them to appear. Was she drinking again? Was it because of a new addiction? Or was she just so broken that she didn't even need a substance to turn into that monster Mukuro thought they had finally run away from?

Mukuro began furiously analyzing her behavior, trying to figure out what the hell was going on with her. But, like always, Junko was an enigma that even Mukuro couldn't understand.

Another new thing was that Junko actually expressed her true negative emotions now. She simply couldn't control them. She began sobbing often and constantly talking about Izuru, and about all the horrible things they supposedly did to her.

She called them an evil, narcissistic monster who had abused her the whole time they had been together. She once had a long conversation with her sibling that had them thoroughly convinced that Izuru truly was the worst. She even told Mukuro about something Izuru had once drunkenly said to her that Mukuro really,  _ really _ wishes they could erase from their mind.

Because of her constant need to talk and vent, Junko was on the phone a lot. A  _ lot.  _ She would spend hours in her room on calls with people Mukuro didn't even know, loudly slandering her ex and yelling the same goddamn things every day, like a broken record. It reminded Mukuro of years ago, back when she also would constantly be in her room on the phone, or when she and Izuru would have fights.

But unlike then, they couldn't just go into another room and ignore it. The sound resounded through the whole house; the dreaded voice was inescapable. It made nighttime especially difficult for Mukuro, who already had sleep problems. The muffled sound of her voice made them feel as though they were going insane. They cried into their pillow, feeling just like they did all those years ago.

Every day was a gamble. Would she be okay today, be her normal self, or would it be another one of  _ those  _ days where Mukuro was painfully reminded of times they had foolishly believed were long gone?

An endless cycle, an inescapable spiral… that's what Mukuro’s life had become. The more hope they gathered during the time they spent with their real sister, the more despair hit them when the relapse happened. Were they just foolish to believe that Junko could ever get better?

They sure tried to help, that's for sure. But it wasn't all that easy on them, taking on the role of Junko’s therapist instead of her sibling. Mukuro tried to share the weight, to take that burden off of her, all without asserting themself enough to set boundaries or convince their sister to change.

As harmful as it was for their own mental health, they continued to let Junko do this to them. To listen to her go on and on and on about the same shit, about how she did absolutely nothing wrong and that this was all big bad Izuru’s fault. And Mukuro really did believe her in the moment. They had to believe her. She was the victim, after all…… right?

To this day, they still don't really know.

Mukuro and Izuru had actually started talking, and when talking to them, Mukuro believed their side of the story instead of Junko’s. They said they were doing a lot better nowadays (and it was evident in their behavior), and that they believed they had made the right choice in leaving. When they talked about Junko’s issues and how they had been affecting them, Mukuro totally felt connected with them. Admittedly, Izuru’s point of view was… a lot more logically sound.

And although, yes, the logical thing to do in this situation would be to believe Izuru and bail too, but, of course, Mukuro had already had so much emotional attachment to Junko that they still retreated back to her side of the argument.

Junko couldn't have been lying. She was hurting, and Mukuro had to heal her. She was misunderstood, and Mukuro was the one who could understand her. She was the  _ victim _ , and Mukuro would be a monster to not believe the victim. They would be a monster to blame all this on her mental illness, to be angry at her for acting this way after she had gone through so much trauma. 

They had to believe Junko, or they would be a traitor.

But Izuru provided facts. They had evidence. Izuru’s side was objectively more believable. And as much as Mukuro wanted to be angry at Izuru with her, they also wanted to be angry at  _ Junko _ with  _ them. _

Being constantly tossed back and forth between the two could have given them whiplash. They couldn't stay on one side for long enough, could hardly form their own opinions without them being warped by one of them. Mukuro simply didn't know what was right or wrong anymore.

This went on for a while. They stayed trapped in this hellhole with their sister, suffering from the trauma she had caused them without ever talking about it with her. They just didn't want to hurt her feelings. That was the last thing they wanted. It's the only reason why they still stuck around: Junko’s feelings.

But they no longer felt safe in their own house. Coming home at the end of the day filled them with the kind of dread one would feel when walking into a haunted house. Everything was dark and dirty and it was no longer the pretty, ideal home they had once thought it would be for them. This wasn't home anymore; it was a place for them to be tortured.

Eventually, they decided they had to leave.

It was one of the most difficult decisions of their life. Mukuro was never one to speak up about their feelings and be assertive about them. They had tried to ignore the growing struggle of living with Junko, feeling as though it was their duty to stay there and be there for her, but they had to stop this soon before they completely broke down. One more day in this place and they would have truly lost it.

They actually live with another part of their family now: the Ikusaba’s. Mukuro was happy to change the other half of their name, as a way to further remove themself from their past. They can be a new person now. They won't end up like Junko.  _ Ever. _

They've sworn to themself they never will.

But although they're away from her now, Junko’s ghostly grasp on them lingers. Little reminders of her often pop up around them. The adults here drink a lot, leaving bottles and glasses and cans all around the house. Mukuro once told them how this makes them feel, but it wasn't like that was going to make them just stop. They're also loud at night, making Mukuro panic whenever they try to sleep. The muffled voices take them right back to their old home. They have to listen to white noise every night to keep themself from breaking down.

There are some things they can't avoid, though.

Like when she calls.

Right now, Mukuro is simply scrolling through their phone, relaxing, listening to a fun song they really like from this one pop idol group that has comforted them a lot through hard times, when suddenly the lead singer Sayaka’s voice is cut off. In its place, a ringtone that now fills Mukuro with dread. Their sister's name pops up on the screen.

They take a moment to compose themself, to prepare themself for however this conversation may go. They pray that the voice on the other end will be normal, wishing at that moment that their phone had some way of tagging the two Junkos as different contacts.

They press the pick up button and hold the phone to their ear. “Hi,” they say in a very small voice.

“ _ Ugh!  _ Thank  _ god  _ it's you. I've missed you so, so much.”

That voice. That goddamn voice.

Mukuro is already shrinking into themself.  _ Another one of these _ , they realize. It's not like they can hang up. They don't want to upset “her” any more than she already is.

“I figured fucking Izuru would have taken the phone from you. You know how he is with his tricks.” She scoffs. “I thought he would take you away from me. The Ikusaba’s may have already, but I'll get you out of there before he gets to you. I won't let anyone else take my sweet, beloved sister. Can't believe those  _ bastards  _ took away  _ my sister. My sister. _ ” She starts to get choked up, while Mukuro winces at several things she says.

That's one of the things… Junko still doesn't know  _ why  _ Mukuro left. She still doesn't know this was because of her. She still doesn't know the damage she's done. She's just convinced that everyone is taking them away from her, like they're kidnapping them and holding them hostage just to make her suffer.

“Come back to me, [deadname]. Come back. Please. They're just using you, trying to change you. They don't need you.  _ I  _ need you.”

Mukuro doesn't know what to say. They can't just try to explain to her that they left of their own volition, that they abandoned her because she was driving them insane. ...Then she'd really think Izuru has done something to them.

And besides, it's not like they can ever get a word in anyways.

“It's been so lonely without you, [deadname]. The house is waiting for you. It's so clean, it's  _ immaculate,  _ it just needs you. I visit your room all the time. Do you miss your room? It misses you. I miss you. I have roommates now, you know. They're dying to meet you. I talk to them about you all the time. They're gonna love you. I love you. I'm gonna get you outta there, I promise. I'm coming for you.”

That last line sounded a lot more unnerving than she intended it to.

“God, this is all Izuru's fault. He's wanted to hurt me since the beginning. How could he do this to me? He ruined me.  _ I  _ was the one who needed to get away from  _ him.  _ He was  _ awful _ to me, [deadname]. You don't even know.” She scoffs. “I'm so sorry he manipulated you like this. He's good at that, you know. He's good with words. It's how he fooled me for so many years.” She scoffs. “I don't know what I did to deserve this. I did  _ nothing wrong.  _ He's evil. Just pure evil.”

Mukuro is curled up on their bed with a grimace stuck on their face. The endless spill of words from the phone speaker is like poison seeping into their blood. They feel sick. They want this to end. But they can't stop her.

She scoffs. “You're  _ my  _ sister. You belong to  _ me.  _ You should be in  _ this  _ house. But  _ no.  _ He had to go and ruin everything. He told you lies and manipulated you, just like he did to me. He did this. I'm all alone because he  _ abandoned  _ me and  _ took  _ you from me.”

It almost feels like Junko is purposefully saying these things to get a reaction out of Mukuro, to coerce them into arguing back. She  _ knows  _ Mukuro has a hard time saying no to her. That's why she's able to unload all of this onto them: because they're the only one left who won't tell her she's wrong, or make her stop talking.

“When can I see you again? Or are they still not letting you see me?”

Actually having a chance to talk doesn't feel much better.

Their voice comes out weak and timid, the life already drained from their body. “I-I don't know, Junko. When do you want to visit?”

She scoffs. “I want  _ you  _ to visit  _ me. _ ” She sounds exasperated. “And for you to  _ stay. _ Or else I'll come and pick you up myself. Yeah, actually, that sounds like a better plan. That way they won't meddle with anything.”

The very thought of getting in a car with Junko sets off alarms in Mukuro’s head. “Uh… actually, that might, uh….”

“What? You-” she scoffs, "You're afraid you'll get in trouble? They don't have any control over you! If you want to see your sister, then you can go see your sister! Don't let them stop you from doing what you want!”

_ But I  _ don't  _ want to see you,  _ they desperately want her to understand. “I-It’s not that! I just…. I'd rather we, like, meet up somewhere nearby here… maybe have lunch instea-”

“Yeah, ‘cause that's all they'll allow you!” She scoffs. “It's bullshit! You should be able to go to your goddamn sister's house. Don't let them stop you, [deadname]. I know they don't want you to be around me.” Scoff. “But what do they know? They don't understand. They don't want to understand me, they just want to hurt me, like Izuru did. They all want me to stay away from you so they can control you and turn you against me. They want you to  _ hate  _ me, [deadname]. Can you believe that bullshit?” Scoff. “You would never hate me, right, [deadname]? I'm your sister. I grew up with you. They can't break our bond that easily. I know you don't hate me. So stop believing the lies they're telling you and just come back to me! They could never love you like I do. They don't know you like I do. Come back home. You clearly aren't doing well there. They're treating you awfully. They're just feeding you lies and manipulating you.” She scoffs. “Just come back home. I'll love you. It'll all be better. It's all up to you, [deadname]. What do you say? Where do  _ you  _ want to be? What do  _ you  _ want?”

Mukuro is paralyzed.

The sudden silence is jarring. Mukuro doesn't know what to say. Do they just lie to her like they always have? Or should they finally make themself clear to Junko?

They're holding their breath. Their body is rigid, but their heart is racing. Fight-or-flight is kicking in.

Flight. They press the hang up button.

They sit there for a moment in shock. They've never hung up on her before. They can't believe they've just done that.

They should probably feel proud of themself for having the guts to do that, but really, they just feel guilty.  _ She must be so pissed. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I did that. I wasn't thinking. It was just a panic response. I didn't know what to say. _

At last, after holding it in for so long, they cry.

Their head is throbbing now from the stress and the tears, but they put their earbuds back in and play their loud music. But instead of resuming their song, Spotify simply skipped to a suggested track: “Christmas Kids” by Roar.

The lyrics are hauntingly familiar to them.

_ Ronnette my dear, don't ever disappear _

_ Do what you want, as long as you stay here _

_ I need you now, I love you so _

_ Much more than you could know _

_ The Christmas kids were nothing but a gift _

_ And love is a tower where all of us can live _

_ You'll change your name or change your mind _

_ And leave this fucked up place behind _

_ But I'll know, I'll know _

_ I'll know, I'll know _

_ I'll know, I'll know _

_ I'll know, I'll know _

_ Appearing unsightly _

_ With devils inside me _

_ If you ever try to leave me, _

_ I'll find you, Ronnie _

_ If you ever try to leave me, _

_ I'll find you, Ronnie _

_ If you ever try to leave me, _

_ I'll find you, Ronnie _

_ If you ever try to leave me, _

_ I'll find you, Ronnie _

_ I'm leaving, Phil, I'm leaving now _

_ I'm going to escape but you won't know how _

_ Or where to find me when I'm gone _

_ I'd drink myself to death inside  _

_ This prison cell _

_ This prison cell _

_ So get me out of here _

_ Get me out of here _

_ Get me out of here _

_ Get me out of here _

_ You'll change your name or change your mind _

_ And leave this fucked up place behind _

_ But I'll know, I'll know _

_ I'll know, I'll know _

_ I'll know, I'll know _

_ I'll know, I'll know _

**Author's Note:**

> writing this actually helped inspire a lengthy, heartfelt email to that family member about how shes made me feel that i think might help her get better, so im proud of myself


End file.
